CAP Interviewer :

"Well Mr. Aardvark, I'm pleased to tell you that you have done very well in the Aptitude test, but there is just one little problem ......"

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Actual quote from a post-implementation monitoring report at a well-known project based in Southend :

"....was discovered to be out of balance by £59,000. This was passed to the Shift Manager."

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Extract from a certain Management Meeting report on the Personnel function within CAP:

" The thing had got so big that David could no longer keep it up single-handed. So he asked the Group Managers to discharge it for him"

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David Sheahan at a Posh Nosh in the boardroom of Great James Street :

"Will you please excuse me for a moment - the building appears to be on fire!"

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From a draft of a CAP report to a well known Nationalised Corporation :

"It seems clear that the computing load implied by 106 planners requiring simultaneous use of a terminal is high in terms of current processor technology."

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Overheard at a Friday buffet :

"Who's the short fat bloke standing next to Reg (May)?"

"Oh, that's Barney Gibbens."

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Quote (reputedly) by Esmond Hart:

"When I leave CAP, I shall have written as much, if not more, than Shakespeare, but not I feel, quite up to the same standard."

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From a CAP project meeting minutes:

" xxxxxxxxx has tested his implementation of CRAN%1, CRFN%1, and CRIO%1 but CROD%1 is not fully tested"

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Various random quotations :

"We can discuss the question of staying for lunch, over lunch."

Question "What do we do about the shortage of loo paper?"
Answer "Use the chauffeur."

"I regard it as the essence of computing that it has nothing to do with the outside world."

"The whole purpose of CAP is that it is a conventionalist one to help French peasants."

"BEA have about as much chance of debugging their system as they do of flying."

Question " when are you going to send us a contract? Our chaps have finished the job!"
Answer " It's waiting to be signed by the site manager for permission to be on the premises."

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